This is something I wrote over a year ago when I was bored and my husband was gone on business. I thought I would share it. I think I have grown alot since writing this, but it has some good points, I think.
The connection between husband and wife, at least for me, is something that is hard to describe. When you are young, you love people and hate people and you just kind of exist in your own world that is ALL about you. What you want, when you want or need it and you may make changes for good friends or family, but it is mainly all on you.
When I truly fell in love, nothing compared to it. The deep emotional and physically connection was a compelling force. It honestly felt like torture to be separated. To this day, it physically hurts to be separated, most of the time ;)
With him, I can feel like I hate him one second, but it never lasts and I can't hold a grudge like with friends or family. Even though I am so mad at him, I still love him with all that I am. He is my best friend and my lover and nobody could ever replace him or can compare to him in my life. He understands me, even when he tries his hardest not to, he knows what I need and want, even if he doesn't consciously acknowledge it. I know this to be true in how we interact and the little things he does.
With the passing of his mother recently, a lot of emotions and thoughts have been running high in me. Speaking of her death still feels taboo. I see what a hard time his father is having and I don’t think I could survive in similar circumstances. When I think about not having my husband in my life, I feel like part of me dies. I can’t even imagine trying to raise my two children by myself or trying to support us all by myself. I assume, I would arise to the challenge, but it would be a very painful process and would take years to be restored to some of my former self. I’m pretty sure his dad feels completely empty and worthless and I don’t think there is anything we can really do to help because even though a lot of us were very close to Cindy, we will never truly understand his husband and wife connection. I assume our connections between husband and wife differ from relationships and couples. I believe the connection only gains strength over the years you are together.
I have not had to deal with infidelity and truly pray I never will, but I think it is also part of our human nature. I’m not blind to it and know it happens more than not. I think part of the reason infidelity happens is lack of self-control. We all are in control of ourselves and our actions. The chances of a situation arising to cheat is likely, but I feel if you think about your bond as husband and wife and how truly special that is to you, you won’t be easily swayed. On the other hand, I am a pessimist and will always question my husband’s loyalty. Do I trust him, yes, but I also am not naïve to the fact that anything can happen. I think this is not all negative, I think since I don’t blindly trust, anyone for that matter, that it would make them think it would not be so easy to “pull one” on me. The saying “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” is a good one and I have no plans on letting anyone fool me twice, nonetheless shame me. At this point in our relationship, I am confident my husband would not hurt me in this way and would not jeopardize our relationship. He is the most trustworthy person I have ever met and I trust my life in his hands.
With having kids, our relationship has taken on a whole new form. If anyone thinks kids don’t change your relationship, then you aren’t doing something right. As much as we would like our relationship to come first, do what we want and live in such a way, like when we were young, we can’t. When they are tiny babies, you somewhat can, and we sure did try. We still went to the movies and out to dinner and went shopping at all hours of the night. We learned quickly, that not only was it probably not the best schedule for our baby, but it wasn’t for us either! It is hard trying to get things ready to go with an infant and so much lugging that sometimes, it really just isn’t worth it. It was not like before kids, where we could sleep until the late afternoon hours of the day after staying up all night watching movies. Someone had to wake up with the little one at night and in the morning and play with her all day. We both got burnt out real quick trying to live that lifestyle where everything was about us. We have come to more of a balance now between what we want to do and the schedule our kids need of us. We still go out shopping and to dinner, but we go at reasonable hours and work around nap schedules. If we don’t, not only do the kids misbehave, but our lives are miserable as well. We don’t go to movies anymore, unless we have a babysitter. We have had to make a lot of changes to our life, and I’m not saying they are bad; they are actually healthier lifestyle changes. It was just a big change and it took us some time to find out where our, husband and wife, relationship came in.
We are just getting to a point where we can really focus on our relationship again. Being a stay at home mom and him working, there isn’t a whole lot of time when we are home and not doing something for all of us or sleeping! We have learned to let the kids play on their own a little. We don’t have to be RIGHT there every second. They have toys and playrooms and we can go and watch some TV together while they sit on the floor playing with their toys/playing together. I have learned I have to make more of an effort to keep the house cleaner so when it is bed time for the kids, I don’t have to stay up and clean the house. I think we both have learned that it is important to go out on our own, a date night per say, whenever possible, which is maybe once a month? At least that is my goal. At first it was almost weird going out together without kids! It was strange not to have to do everything for them and actually get to eat my meal while it was still hot! After that initial shock, it was great to be alone with my husband and for us to just enjoy each other.
With the making of our family, we both decided it would be a good option for me to be a Stay at home mom (SAHM). It sounded great to me! Get to stay home all day and play with my kids and get to sleep in, etc. Only SAHM understand what it is like to be a SAHM. Yes, it is great in many respects and I wouldn’t want it any other way, most days. It is very taxing on us though; it is like we work around the clock. We do basically the same thing, day in and day out. We are usually limited to adult time and our lives become all about our kids. I feel like I have lost so many social skills and feel uncomfortable and have nothing in common with people who don’t have kids. It is hard to feel like your life is now defined as a mom and nothing else. You feel like part of you has died- your former self. I think most of us get stir crazy and look for adventure in one way or another. I think it is important that you either have a playgroup or have someone to talk with who has kids and that you can do things with. I can’t even begin to explain how that has made my life so much more enjoyable. Other SAHM are going through the same emotions that you are, and if their kids are similar ages, you are going through growing stages the same time and get good, practical advice. Having other moms and kids to interact also help you know your child is progressing properly. Your child also needs this social interaction, almost had much as you do! If I didn’t have other mommy friends, which I didn’t when we first moved to VA, I go nuts. My husband knows how much this means to me and I feel like he really supports this aspect of my life.
We will have been together, this February, for a total of 6 years. It is a long time when you think that we have been a couple since we were 18, but is still a short time when you think of how much time we have for the future. We have many more obstacles to overcome and I am sure we will grow together in some ways and will most likely grow apart in other ways. I believe one thing will always remain the same- the unconditional, constant love I have for my other half.
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